Did i marry the right Person???

Interesting reading by Mort Fertel-World class marriage counsellor. Thot to share.


During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, 'How do I know if I married the right person?' I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, 'It depends. Is that your husband?' In all seriousness, she answered 'How do you know?' Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind. Here's the answer:

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse/partner. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit). Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called 'falling' in love... Because it's happening TO YOU. People in love sometimes say, 'I was swept of my feet.' Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, 'Did I marry the right person?'

And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labor of love.' Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can

Remember this always:
'God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
This is a very good article. Those who are still single may learn something from here... Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage & relationship.

The Gold Digger in Me

Article below was wriiten by certain lady. Some aspects i agree with while some, i am still trying to decide but all in all makes for good reading so thought to share.

Every woman is a Gold digger. We just use different tools, some use cranes, some tractors, others straws and the rest, spoons. (Glory Edozien, 2009)

The above statement was once my facebook status message and I sincerely doubt that my profile page has been any busier after that day.

When I was younger I believed in unconditional love.I dated guys with empty pockets, stingy dudes who would rather pretend to be broke than loan their mother 10 bucks. But it didn’t matter to me. Everything I have ever wanted, I have bought with my own money. So whether a guy spent money on me or not, had a good car or not, or lived with his parents at the age of 30, I wasn’t bothered. Instead I believed in ‘building with my man’. The naïve little girl in me actually believed that ‘if you are with a man when he has nothing, he will always remember you when he has something’.

Fast forward a couple of years and throw in the speed bumps and punches of life, and I am a completely different person. Well maybe not totally different, just wiser and smarter. Wise enough to know that a stingy man in his 30’s will be an even stinger man in his 40’s and that the only loyal mammals on earth are dogs not humans. Smart enough to realise that it is important for a man to have his own things and be financially capable of taking care of me and our future children and not be ashamed to let him know that his ability to fulfil those roles impact greatly on our relationship.

Let’s be honest girls, men waste no time in letting us know what they want in the kitchen or in the sack. They don’t bat an eyelid when they say ‘oh this girl is not my type’, ‘she is too fat’, ‘she is too thin’, ‘she isn’t yellow enough’, ‘she can’t cook’, ‘I don’t like her mother’, ‘she is an aje butter’. So why is it that when we are seeking to legitimately secure our future and those of our children we are automatically labelled derogatory terms such as ‘gold digger’.

However with every good bunch of grapes there is always the sour one which makes you think the rest maybe just as bad! Take for instance a guy I went on a date with some time last year (lets call him Uche). We met up at a swanky bar in London and he was absolutely stunned when after scanning through the drinks menu filled with expensive drinks that I opted for lemonade (£5.60) instead of something pricier. He told me of a girl who he had met for the first time at a similar priced bar who had ordered a bottle of Louis Roederer Crystal Rose Champagne on his tab—a £500 bottle of champagne. Although he claimed he could easily afford it, he made it clear to her that he thought it was outrageous for her to order such an expensive drink. The poor girl was so embarrassed she changed her order to a bottle of mineral water!
Another friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend because, as he put it, ‘he was tired of being her daddy’. According to him she asked him for everything under the sun. Money for hair extensions, cloths, bags, shoes, petrol, make up and would get very upset or even withhold ‘extracurricular affairs’ if he delayed payment. The final straw came when she bought a set of matching gold earrings, necklace and bracelet worth N450, 000 and sent the trader to his office to harass him for the money!

So yeah, I agree. There are ‘some’ girls who put the ‘gold’ in gold digger but these are extreme cases. Most regular women folk aren’t walking around like the devil, seeking a man’s money to devour! They just want to be sure their man can afford to take care of them and will happily supplement his income to ensure the smooth running of the home. However, in today’s relationships where the woman is already playing wife while she is girlfriend (cooking, cleaning and bedroom duties), I think it’s only fair for the man to start playing husband too.

Every man should take pride in being able to afford to take care of his woman. Personally I cannot be with a man who does not see me eye to eye on this issue and I am not ashamed to say so. Nowadays before I date a guy he must pass the financial acid test. Good job, good car, nice flat, generous with dollops of ambition and drive! Gone are the days were I was fasting and praying for a man to buy his first car only for him to put another woman in the front seat. And ahh, my mother didn’t raise no fool! I will fast and pray with you for that promotion, while the AC of your current car is blowing me in the face. I will get up and seek the Lord early in the morning for his salary increase when I have recovered from our romantic getaway in Dubai . I will cook the best tasting Egusi soup known to man while I am in his fully fitted kitchen and furnished home. I will hold his hand through all of life’s ups and downs while he treats me like the princess I deserve to be.

And if all this makes me a gold digger, then I’ll say it loud and hard, I am digging for gold and I’m proud!

and she had an affair!

Was it lust,boredom, a need for revenge or pure boredom or maybe it was just adventure? She was married,had a loving husband,beautiful kids,happy home,great job and most of all she loved the Lord,yet she did.Without fear,without remorse for at least 6 month.She said it was passionate,mad,crazy just like in the movies-clearing stuff on the table,rammed up against the wall,obscure corners,dirty talk on phone. She said it was worth every second of it, but she would never do it again. Oh,he was married too and she knew his wife too!

Now what scared me was she found it hilarious,she thought it was funny,she had no remorse.She said she found him attractive and could not resist so who is to say she wont do it again when she meets another attractive guy?

I have learnt time and time again not to be quick to judge or vouch for anyone cos sometimes even the most sensible people do the most stupid things. Makes me then realise that if not for the Grace of God,where would we be. That a person is able to resist temptations,act right at all times and do sensible things is purely by God's grace.

What chance does the Mrs have?

Kiki was not too pretty,not too tall,not posh,not too shapy.Infact Kiki was average in a lot of things but Kiki had one thing going for her,Kiki had perfected the art of taking care of a man preferably another woman's man.

So one day,i visit Kiki at home.She is cooking-asu waiting for the Mr,the one who gets off work and instead of heading home heads to the ''other woman's'' arms. Her phone rings and he says he is 10 minutes away from her place. Off she runs upstairs, quickly showers,changes into a sexy top,sprays room fragrance and slips an Anthony Hamilton CD into her CD player.Off goes the lights,on comes the scented candles adorning the walls of the room.

So in walks Mr tired from work to a nice smelling room,a glass of wine and freshly made asu, nice romantic atmosphere created and a woman whose only duty is to cater to the needs of his loins.

and i sat there and had an epiphany-it is never quite jazz when a man walks away from his wife to the other woman.Sometimes she just appears more exciting cos she does not have to contend with the day to day hassle of having a career,running his home and caring for kids which leaves her little or no time for anything else let alone dressing sexy and lighting candles.

But what the other woman forgets is that what goes around comes around,so when she does succeed in making him leave his wife for her and she now becomes the Mrs possibly,she would also lose the ability to do what made her the other woman he spent quality time with and she now becomes the ''Mrs'' who never sees her husband.

So 'mrs', you might never really have the time or liberty to cater to your man like ''her' but you can try. It's you he once loved,thought good enough to make the mother of his kids so wake up and take your position. You might not light candles but you sure can listen to how his day was,you might not have time to change to sexy clothes cos he walked in while you were breastfeeding or doing juniors homework but when you do get to the bedroom,why wear a boring nightie? Inplace of Anthony Hamilton, what if he hears you with your voice raised in prayer to JC for Him, your home and his success? What's more sexy than that?

Wake up and do your thing. Like i say, die trying, marriage is a life long project. Plan and execute it in stages, changing, adapting, raising the bar until you get what makes your home a sanctuary of joy, peace and love.

What do men really want?

Yea yea, ye another piece on what men want, need, how to keep him bla bla bla. I am of the school of thought that says that no formula works because people process information and situations differently based on bakground, past history etc so to put all in one box and label it is the first mistake to make. So instead of what men want, why not what and how does God expect us to behave? So:

1. Guy does not want a girl that sleeps with him on the first day-should it not be that as a child of God ,HE does not ever want you to sleep with a man you aint married to, why should he get the conjugal rights belonging to the one who was denied one extra rib to create you? Comon, it's only fair he get it not some loser who has done nothing to earn it.

2.Never lose your independence- that's a no brainer, are you his twin, did you come to this world together and i can assure you, he will cancel his plans with you in a sec to hang with the boys so why does your life halt cos you are dating? Have finished the assignment God sent you on? Have you created your legacy, have you impacted a life, become a change agent or you are waiting for him to come visit you so you can cook and clean up after him yet again when he has not even uttered 'M' let alone marriage to you?

and the list goes on.....

Don't misunderstand me, i am all for nurturing your relationship so it matures into something fruitful but at what price? What about just being like the Proverbs 31 virtuous woman? Should that be the standard we should attain regardless of status? Which right thinking man would see that Virtous woman and not desire her? so for me, it is not realy about him and what he wants but what we need to be that we might glorify JC with our lives.

I do know one thing, men are hunters by nature and trust me even when you are not following any of the laid down rules, principles, dos and donts etc, he will find you somewhere, somehow so why not just be yourself, enjoy the time God has given you to be single and just get to a place where he becomes a bonus to who you are and not the main price.

Can Martians and Venites just be friends?

Boy meets girl, boy never makes any advances or shows any untoward interest towards anything more than frienship with girl.

One day, Boy calls girl and says i have a surprise for you. Keep your day free. Girl gets all dolled up. They drive to a house in L1 and right behind is a speed boat parked and rearing to go! Off they go to a private beach house miles away from town. White sand, soft music, quad bikes, bufffet spread with every delight you can find plus botlles of rose moet to go.

So now tell me, what should a girl think? Is he interested or not? Can a man and woman ever really be friends without one perosn having an ulterior motive or getting romantically involved? My mum can be a bit old school on this issues and she firmly believes male and female cannot be friends. I don't know-yet to figure that one out ut i do have a ton of male friends and so far we are just still friends.

i really dk.

The other Brotha

A friend sent me this piece, thought to share it just incase someone out there has cold feet about ''the other brotha''

There was a time when light-skinned brothas were in...then it went to dark-skinned brothas being in...and going back and forth. But now it's the "other" brothas that's in. Tall, dark (features) and handsome is officially out. The "other" brotha is now in. Who is the "other" brotha? He's that short, not so attractive brotha that is always hollering at you. You know, the one you don't find attractive or tall enough.

If you are like me, you have often seen beautiful women with short and/or ugly (for lack of a better word) men and asked yourself "why?". Even beautiful women like Janet Jackson with Jermaine Dupri or Beyonce Knowles with Jay-Z. They like me, have finally figured it out. It's the "other" (short, unattractive), brothas that treat you right.

Ask yourself this:

1. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy looked you into your eyes and told you how beautiful you were or how special you were?
2. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy gave you a back rub or a foot massage?
3. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy bought you flowers?
4. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy took you to a nice restaurant or spent some quality time with you...outside of spending time in the house/in the bed?
5. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy said something sweet and impromptu to you?
6. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy did something spontaneous and romantic?
7. When was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy actually took an interest in you and the things you like?

There's a difference between someone asking you a question because they are interested and because they are being courteous. You should want him to be interested and not asking you "how's your day" out of routine and cordiality.

I bet some of you couldn't even tell me the first time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy did any of those things much less the last time.

What's more important to you - being with someone who looks good or being with someone who makes you feel good?

Now I am not saying go find you a brotha who's Biz Markie ugly, but give the "other" brotha a chance. The one that's in your office and always notice when you change your hair, your perfume, or get a new outfit. The one that always compliments you. The one that takes you by the hand and looks you in the eye and tells you that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.

The "other" brotha on the internet (cause you know some of us meet brothas on the net) who writes you such lovely poems and sweet sentiments. Now be honest when was the last time Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy said or did anything that made you feel like the Queen you are? Leave Mr. Nonchalant, Nonaffectionate, Nonappreciative alone and get with the "other" brotha.

I am 36 and I have spent 20 years looking and spending (scratch that), wasting my time with Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy only to be left feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, unloved to finally realize I am worth so much more than that. I finally gave the "other" brotha a chance and I am now wearing a 4-carat platinum ring on my finger.

Now you don't have to take my advice, but at least re-evaluate your current relationship/pattern.

And to all my brothas who read this email. Take heed. Especially Mr. Tall, Fine and Sexy, because for every compliment, back rub, foot massage, candlelit dinner that you don't do for the lady in your life...there's the "other" brotha who will.

Written by: Jocelyn Kane, soon to be Mrs. Jocelyn K. Arrington

Lethargy in Babylon

There is no rest in Babylon....deadlines,targets,deliverable,KPIs,SLAs,performance, reports...the endless lingo of the corporate world that seeks to drain and squeeze every ounce of life and joy out of any zionite.

Is it only me who experiences this but do you feel sometimes like the more you give to meet with the demands placed on you by Babylon, the less results you get? When you exchange your time being watered by the fresh due of JC for time in board meetings, training sessions, listening to unreasonable clients and ever demanding bosses..Not that i am subscribing to laziness and a lackadaisical attitude to work but is it worth all the hassle. Appearing all glamorous on the outside but totally exhausted, drained and spent on the inside and having no time to appreciate the beauty of the world, existing and not living.

Won't we rather be in the place of rest and peace with JC, Changing lives, doing His will, trusting and being and knowing He will sort us out eventually.

Maybe someday, somehow, we will find the strength to walk away from Babylon!

Mum to her daughters

I was going through mails looking for old pics and saw the very first mail my mum sent i and my sister after she learnt how to use a PC. It brought tears to my eyes again and so i share it....

Hello my Dear Daughters,

How are you girls doing? I hope great.

I know that right now all of you are busy at one stage in your lives or the other... either with your careers!, school!, travel!, relationships?,etc.

I just took out this time to let you know that i'm so so proud of you girls! You have been a source of Joy in our lives from the day you were born.

You girls have always been Shinning Stars, Princesses, Rare Gems, ROYALTY!

At times, i try to think to think of a time when either of you has caused your dad and i trouble or pain......................but you know what? That is like searching for a needle in a haystack! Not 1 memory of such!

I'm proud of you my Angels, i know that God would bless you with Men that would wake up every morning, thanking God that they have you for their wives! Men that would love you for who you are! Men that would see the most annoying things/flaws in you (if any) and love you for those same reasons, men that would be great husbands, wonderful fathers, lovely brother inlaws, caring son inlaws, super uncles etc! God fearing, wealthy decent, good looking men.

My darling daughters, just watch and see! Its a principle of life! It has no choice but to happen! Because "whatsoever you sow, that shall you reap". You have sown goodness into life, and from life you shall reap goodness and greatness.

I'm content as a mother, because i have fulfiled the scriptures "train up a child the way she should go and when she is old, she would not depart from it", and you, my daughters, have also fulfilled your part of the scriptures.........

I love you all,

With love,
Mom love

Worry to weariness.

I am worried about something. I never used to be worried about not being married for Jesus said i should not be anxious about anything but make my request known to GOD and that peace that surpasses all human understanding will trancede my heart and mind plus I actually do enjoy being single but lately i have become worried about not being worried that i am still single and somehow have now managed to get myself worked up about the whole thing.

Now what's a girl to do?I can't ask myself to marry me, i can't caox or strategize into marriage and i sure cannot trap anyone into marriage with me so that leaves me with one option?Wait upon the Lord. Most people say even when waiting i should be more proactive about it but how?

Go out more ...somehow i am one of those girls who guys never walk up to ask out..someone said i looked very unapproachable and it does not help i have a very expressive face so i wear all my emotions and thoughts on my face. Besides, there's hardly anywhere for christians to hang out here and it's like one big recycle bin , the usual suspects up to the same old thing..what a drag!


Keep an open mind- then i start getting innundated with phone calls at all times of day and night which really irritates me to a point of snapping

In church-Let's not even go there.Between being busy on sundays and being in leadership, smehow that combination deters any potentials

At work- pls read a previous post 'where art all the fine guys' and know there is no hope there.

Through friends-that one is story for another day

So what's a girl to do then? I honestly dk.